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Remarkable Changes
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Just Jane

REMARKABLE CHANGES: Turning Life's Challenges into Opportunities

Two | Four

Chapter Three: Let Go of the Past—the Heart of Change

Loosen Your Grip to Let in Change

Society trains us to have expectations—if I do this, I'll get that, if I work hard then I'll get to this university, if I get this degree I'll get this job. That's living a planned life, and to be honest, I've yet to meet anyone whose future came out in any way like they planned.

This signpost is about the very heart of change—the ability to let go of what is in order to see what can be. At times that even means letting go of the plans you may have made. Pallning is not a bad things, mind you. We all have plans, and we all need them. I have plans too, but I try to be sure they are so malleable they can change completely in response to what actually happens in my life. And something always happens! James says, "God laughs when I make plans," and it's so true. Nothing stays the same forever. Life isn't stationary; it constantly evolves. Circumstances change, human relationships change, even a relationship with God or a spiritual being changes second by second as you grow and as your understanding and needs evolve. It seems that when we don't allow this happen, we get stuck in a past we can't let go of—and that is not only so destructive and negative, but it also keeps us from experiencing the life we have right now.

How do we keep from becoming stuck? How do we get better at letting go when we need to? There are several ways I've found, and stories in this chapter will show you how they've worked for me and for others. First off, I'd say that having a positive attitude (and a sense of humor) about change is huge. So are trusting in oneself to know when the time is right to let go of the past, and then actually becoming willing to do so. Letting go has never been complete for me without acceptance of myself and of the situation I find myself in, which can be very difficult. A huge part of this is forgiving ourselves for actions or decisions we may have made, as well as forgiving those around us when we need to. Once we can do that, then we can be free to move on in life.

There's one more way I've learned to let go of what needs to leave my life. It happens when an unexpected event catapults me out of my past, like it or not, and forces me to see exactly what I want out of life, and what I want to let go of. Exactly when and where an event like that occurs is really a matter of luck, I suppose, but it seems that most of us will experience such a jolt sometime in our lives. It can be a marvelous jolt, a happy accident that reveals to us what's really most important. Unfortunately, more often than not, it's a terribly painful event or moment of fear that pushes us toward growth. For me, it has happened more than once.

I have been at the brink of death—or have gone there and come back, actually—three times over. Each time I felt calm, but I also did what you could call praying or perhaps positive thinking, in which I made it quite clear to whoever would be listening that I hadn't finished with my life quite yet. Each time I assured the powers that be that I had a lot more I still wanted to do; I was certain it wasn't yet my time to go!

Each of these episodes has brought me as close as I could be to letting go of life itself. Even though I haven't had to fully experience that ultimate letting go, being so close has taught me many lessons.

Quite of few of those lessons, of course, have to do with death, and as a result I've let go of many preconceptions I used to hold about the subject. Very simply, I have learned not to fear death. I cclearly understand that bodies are bodies and souls are in them for a while and then go somewhere else. Each time there has been a crisis, I have known that while I was not afraid of death, it just wasn't what I wanted right then. I learned that before you die there is no more pain or panic; there's no emotion. You have a sense of serenity, and I also learned that you clearly hear and see every single thing that is happening when people think that you're completely unconscious. So I've told all my friends and anyone who cares to hear that if they're ever in a room with someone who is deemed to be in a coma or unconscious or has just died, be aware that the person sees and hears you clearly. I've heard that from a number of friends, including husband, James, and Christopher Reeve, both of whom have had the experience of leaving their body and seeing and hearing everything that everyone was doing. I realize now that it's all true—it's a fact.

Other lessons that came from these crises have taught me more about life. One clear hting that hit me after my epxerience in Madrid was that I absolutely wanted to be with my children. The only thing in life that mattered to me was that I, and no one else, would raise my children.

I felt I wanted to let go of anything and everything that didn't really matter to me. I so clearly knew you take nothing with you. Things are just things and we are custodians of objects until the time we are forced to pass them on. With my near-death experiences came the realization that the only things you own are your own feelings. I also realized that life was tenuous at best and that real friends and family were more important than fulfilling social obligations. And, I promised myself that I would give back to the world, because each time I was enormously grateful to have been given my life back.

In all, it finally seemed to me that many of us may actually need the blessing of coming near death, or of very nearly having to let go of everything, before we can really appreciate the true value of life. These experiences have certainly colored the choices I've made in my career. I've turned down many projects because they wouldn't allow me to be with my children, or because they would require that I be away from home too long. I have perhaps overloaded myself at times with humanitarian commitments, but my desire to give back is so strong that I seem unable to say 'no' to them.

Choosing to Let Go in Order to Let Change In

Rejection is a particular type of change I've had to deal with over and over as an actor. It's a huge issue for actors in particular, but in truth we all experience it. Everyone is rejected sometime by friends, by coworkers, by a lover. Rather than dwelling on the rejection itself, I've had to learn to let go of the rejection, and to put the emphasis on having a healthy attitude about what might be waiting around the corner. So many times I've seen taht today's rejection can allow space in your life for something brand-new you never imagined—another life experience, another job, another talent that may emerge. When you feel stuck, and you can't accept a change that must come, it's so important to remember that the real issue at hand is that you must clearn your emotional house in order to open it up to change. Once you do, you can move through the signposts of change we've been talking about: seeing honestly who you are, the good things you'd like to keep about yourself or your life, and identifying the negative things you'd like to acknowledge and let go of. Then you can be free to move on to other signposts you'll need to visit as you live through your transitions.

Sorting out and letting go of the past often isn't easy. At times I've approached the process simply by gritting my teeth and keeping in mind something June Cash, Johnny Cash's wife, once told me. "Sometimes you just got to hunker down and press on!" Other times I've found that humor is one of the greatest assets—finding a way to have a laugh at the predicament you find yourself in. It may require the passage of time, as it has for me, but I've certainly laughed at myself and at any reluctance I might have to getting through a particular transition.

Anyone can learn how to let go, to avoid living in the past.

I've found that if you lose something and immediately try to fill it with something else, whether it's a relationship, or a pet, or a thing, it simply doesn't work. I think if you give it time and patience and leave yourself open to whatever your next experience will be, you'll surprise yourself.

Sometimes when I find myself on the brink of being pulled by the past, having not let go of it, I have a particular way of htinking about it. I like to remind myself that in the same way I wouldn't want to a CD with a scratch on it playing over and over, I don't want to hear my past or a critical inner voice telling me the same negative thing over and over. So I either turn down the volume in my head or am able to shut off the negative thoughts completely. I believe that we only have so much room in our brains and in our hearts. Why waste that limited space filling it with concerns about things that you can't control? At the top of that list is the past. Following close on its heels is people's actions and reactions to you.

I also believe in verbalizing whatever it is you need to let go of as part of this signpost. You need to tell someone what you're struggling to let go of, to hear yourself speak it. Without that verbalization, you're likely to have trouble getting out of your system.

I hope you have cultivated close and honest friendships. It's such a help in life in general, but it's especially helpful during times of transition. Real friends are those who will listen to you and who are not afraid to tell you when you're far off track. And you aren't afraid to say the same to them. There's a shared level of trust that means none of us feels attacked by honesty, and none of us will attack the others, and we speak openly on issues that you can't touch on with more casual friends. That doesn't mean any of us is always right, but I can trust that they hear me when they listen, and they think when they speak. We learn from one another's experiences, and after talking, we no longer bear our burdens alone. When we get together, it's like a mini-group therapy, although sometimes our feathers do get ruffled!

So letting go is not about giving up, it's abomut choosing to move forward, to embrace change and reinvent oneself. I think it's how you choose to deal with things that makes a difference. And we can choose to go on and embrace change as they come.

A Positive Attitude Helps Us Use the Hard Times Well

So many times I've seen in my life and in the lives of those around me that it's adversity that drives us, that forces us to be creative in our lives. Haven't we all known a situation with a boss (or a spouse or a colleague) who is just so unfair or so hostiile that we can't bear it? It seems that such predicaments come to us all sooner or later. The truth is we can't stop them from happening, but we can control how we react to them.

Trust in Yourself—and Know When to Let Go

After my divorce, learning to be alone, letting go of the idea of being part of a duo, was yet another change I had to work through, and it was a revelation to me. I realized I had never given myself the opportunity to discover that I could enjoy my own company. From the time I had my first crush at age ten, I'd assumed I'd always have a romantic interest in my life. The symbiotic relationship I saw between Mummy and Daddy was all I knew while I was growing up, and I aspired to it. I felt comfortable as part of a team rather than alone. After my divorce I realized I had to learn to be alone too. That was one of the hardest things for me. It was a struggle for me at first, but I persisted.

My truth today is the opposite of what it was ten years ago, at the end of that marriage. Whereas then I led a blinkered life, emotionally dependent on someone else for my entire happiness and choices, now I am capable of being happy when I am alone. I love being a participating partner in life, but I have to be my own person now, to have my own space. Because of the changes I've been through and the things change has taught me, I can no longer live a life in which I am totally defined by another.

Willingness is Part of Letting Go

Acceptance Helps Us to Let Go and Move On

Acceptance is generally important in life, but even more so during life's heartrending transitions. I also think of acceptance as a huge part of being a parent, and being a parent has everything to do with using change well. When you become a parent and that infant is put into your arms, you relaly do not know what the creature is or what is going to happen to him or her. Parents don't really receive handbooks on their children—and in any case, no one handbook could tell you exactly how your child will experience life. As a parent now of six children, including two stepchildren, I know that each is a miracle and each has his or her issues.

I've watched young friends and the children of friends make the heartbreaking journey through drugs and alcohol, and through this I have learned quite a bit about acceptance, change and letting go. As someone who always wants to jump in and help, I have been an enabler. When I was first accused of this, I was appalled. But then I looked more closely and I saw that sometimes, rather than helping too much, you have to let people work things out for themselves. You cannot make others think and feel the way you do. In short, you must accept that each of us has our own journey to make in our own ways.

Through struggles, we all become a bit more accepting in the end. Accepting what's offered in place of a loss, even if it's not what you ask for, could be a blessing in disguise. It's that kind of flexibility that allows us to let go of things when we need to.

When you can see life that way, every minute is exciting. A positive attitude, an open mind, new thoughts—all of these can put you on a path toward something. Who knows what it will be? In my life, I just keep putting ideas out there. Sometimes I'm pleasantly surprised that they work out; sometimes they don't. And sometimes I find I'm interested in doing something different from what I thought in the first place. But accepting what comes and staying flexible enough to use it always leads to something.

There are times when I try something new and it doesn't always work out, but I've come to believe that it really doesn't matter. When I first had the idea to paint, for example, I didn't know if others would like my work. I didn't really even think about that. I loved the process! The point was—and is—not whether or not it was going to work out for me. The point is if you don't try to do the thing that draws you, then you've failed before you've started. You can't know if you'll be a success at something unless you try.

I believe that truly remarkable changes happen in our lives when our spirits soar, when we allow our imagination and our creativity to grow and express themselves.

And we all have that creative ability. Whether you write a few words to a friend or the Great American Novel, it doesn't matter. Whether you draw a little doodle on a personal greeting card or conquer the international art world with your paintings, it really doesn't matter. It's not the result that matters: it's the doing of it that makes the difference in your life.

The moral of this book is that you cannot effect remarkable changes in your life if you allow your spirit to be paralyzed. It seems to me that right now, with all the horrible things at work in the world, we have two choices. We can choose to go down in a kind of tunnel and live there, fearful of impending doom. Or we can make the most of life today. We can have an effect on the future with our creative energies by opening our souls to the endless possibilities surrounding us. That's a form of acceptance, as well as a positive way of moving on.

Forgiveness—the Final Release

When all is said and done, I absolutely believe that we must forgive in order to let go—either forgive ourselves for choices we have made, or forgive those who have wronged us.

Every now and then, when I find myself not forgiving myself or somebody else when I need to, or I find myself talking about the hurt that somebody or something has caused me, there's a little trigger in the back of my mind. It reminds me that I don't want to spend my energy on this—that I should just acknowledge that such and such experience wasn't good, or that it hurt—and move on.

Of course, when people seriously hurt you or do really heinous things to you and get away with it, I'm the first to admit that it's very hard to forgive them. But I also know that it's worth trying.

To truly see what someone else's life is like is to be able to forgive them. And in the end, that's what we'r eleft with. We certainly don't take anything with us, but I believe we carry with us the goodness from the things we've done for others and the forgiveness we've offered to ourselves and to those around us.

These are all part of creating openings for change: cultivating a positive attitude, willingness to let go, acceptance of ourselves and our situation, forgiveness. They all help us to let go when we need to, when change is knocking on the door, or even when it has already burst into our lives! It's all part of moving on so that we can imagine ourselves as somehow new.

The foregoing is excerpted from Remarkable Changes by Jane Seymour. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced without written permission from HarperCollins Publishers, 10 East 53rd Street, New York, NY 10022